And the Oscar Goes To…None of my picks

by Mike Fenn

The 95th Oscars (or “Academy Awards” for short) presentation will be in just a few short weeks. Honoring excellence in 2022 films, the program will be hosted by Jimmy Kimmel, who has appeared in such renowned cinematic masterpieces as Ted 2 and Road Trip. Entertainment industry professionals and moviegoers alike are eager to tune in and see, in the program’s climactic moment, who will slap Chris Rock in the face this year. 

Despite being a staple of American culture, like apple pie or school shootings, the Oscars continue to face gradually declining ratings due to the program’s duration, which tends to be longer than most feature length films themselves. Some of the past shows didn’t end until the following year’s Oscars. While this wasn’t a problem in the past, today’s audiences have comma-sized attention spans (and brains, in most cases). In fact, most people weren’t even aware that there WERE films released in 2022, unless one of them happened to wind up on TikTok somehow. Thus, every year, the producers make a big deal out of shortening the show’s length, with this year being no different; industry professionals have assured everyone who plans to tune in that the ceremony will conclude no later than July. Their ultimate goal is to make the program about 2 nanoseconds long (equal to three seasons’ worth of current day South Park).

Anyway, as has been the case ever since 1980, the Academy has yet again failed to consult me for the Oscar picks. They stuck with the tired old method of nominating movies that no one (including people in the movie itself) has ever heard of, like Tar, the Banshees of Ishirin, and Top Gun: Maverick. The only time they ever broke with this tradition was in 1997 and/or 1998, when Titanic won every single award at the show, including the Lifetime Achievement Oscar. 

I honestly don’t see how this glaring omission continues to happen. I have been a dedicated fan of timeless cinema ever since I saw Airplane! in the theater as an unborn fetus. Family members, friends, and girlfriends alike have all enjoyed watching movies with me through the years, usually upon realizing that the only other alternative was to actually CONVERSE with me. I have trillions of movies on DVD since I was lucky enough to live through the golden age of video rental stores having going-out-of-business sales where they offered 5 movies for $10 (and I could only find about 2 that I actually wanted but needed to purchase all 5 to get the discount). 

I could go on and on about my Academy qualifications, but if I did that, I might as well start my own Oscars telecast. Instead, what I will do is go on and on about the 2022 movies that I think truly deserve Oscars. These are movies that people liked, or at least said they did. They are movies that people have heard of. NONE of them is Top Gun: Maverick. And I am confident that, once you have finished my list, or even its first sentence, you will sit back and say to yourself “Yeah, I really see why watching a movie, ANY movie, even Weekend at Bernie’s II, is better than hearing this guy talk.”

DOCTOR STRANGE IN THE MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS – As with all Marvel Cinematic Universe movies, this entry will make little sense unless you have seen the 3886 movies before it, as well as all of the Disney+ series with the possible exception of whatever the hell “I Am Groot” was. Once you have watched its predecessors, however, then this movie won’t make ANY sense at all. Anyway, in this sequel to the popular MCU entry (Captain Marvel), Benedict Cumberbatch returns as Doctor Steven Strange. Having opened a portal to the mysterious multiverse in Spider-Man: No Way Home, he has to now undo this even though, technically, there is a universe out there where he didn’t do it at all, so he could have just teleported there. Along the way, he has to ward off Elizabeth Olsen’s Wanda Maximoff character, who has adopted the moniker “Scarlet Witch” after that crucial plot point in the Marvel timeline where, in an unexpected twist, Disney acquired the rights to Fox and its X-Men IP. Not only was the movie an awesome Sam Raimi masterpiece that once again gave Bruce Campbell a fun cameo role, but it also allowed us to once again see Sir Patrick Stewart in the role of Sir Professor X. If you are a MCU fan who has not yet seen this entry, keep in mind that, thanks to its existence, there is a universe out there where I didn’t just spoil that glorious cameo for you.

THOR: LOVE AND THUNDER – The 4th entry in the Thor standalone movies was one that a lot of people, even MCU fans and especially people who didn’t even see the movie, hated (and not only because they couldn’t find a clever way to rhyme “Thor” with “four” in the title). Its casual yet positive inclusion of Tessa Thompson’s bisexual POC character Valkyrie also meant that it was banned in many conservative (a fancy word for “moronic”) areas, like the Middle East and your Trump-supporting uncle’s house. This time around, Chris Hemsworth’s brooding god of thunder (Thor) reunites with Natalie Portman’s character (also Thor) (seriously) from the first two, but not the third, movies. They team up to battle Gorr, who sets out to destroy every god in the universe, especially Thor, who, after the events of Avengers: Endgame, now seems to speak entirely in comedic relief dialogue. Director Taika Waititi managed to create a beautiful world on a Hollywood computer somewhere set exclusively to Guns N Roses songs that ALSO featured a pair of hilariously-screaming flying space goats. The movie deserves the Oscar just because I was able to write the preceding sentence with 100% accuracy. 

BLACK PANTHER: WAKANDA FOREVER – The Black Panther movies are the only Marvel films that have been recognized by the Academy for “real” Oscars. In other words, they were looked at for awards OTHER THAN throwaway categories that no one, not even the nominees themselves, tunes in to watch, like “Best Sound Editing” or “Best Visual Effects” or “Best Actor.” The first Black Panther movie was actually up for the 2018 Best Picture Oscar, though it lost to Titanic. This year, Angela Bassett, who plays Queen Ramonda, is up for Best Supporting Actress. While I appreciate the Academy for recognizing Bassett’s performance, I feel that it is not enough and that Black Panther: Wakanda Forever deserves even more awards. It dealt with the loss of star Chadwick Boseman. It introduced both Namor AND IronHeart! Michael B. Jordan has a cameo as Killmonger! What more does the Academy want?!

CLERKS III – Clerks III is, as its title implies, the 9th film in Kevin Smith’s “View Askew” universe. Smith examined everything that has happened in his five decades on Earth and decided that lead protagonists Dante and Randal should….get ready for this…make a movie about working at the New Jersey convenience store they hate. I feel that it deserves all of the awards because it acts as a perfect expression of a lot of relatively recent emotional hurdles that Smith has endured: surviving a heart attack, mending broken friendships, making Yoga Hosers, etc. Besides, it features a scene in which Rosario Dawson talks about having sex with George Washington Carver. I watched–or at least looked at the titles of–every movie nominated for Best Picture this year (and last year), and NONE of them can make the same claim. 

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 2 – In this second round, SEGA’s mega-popular video game star (Super Mario) must once again protect best friend Sheriff Tom Wachowski and the Earth in general from the returning Dr. Robotnik, now in full-on Eggman mode. This time, though, our hero is not alone–and neither is Eggman (in other words, there is a LOT more CGI involved). This movie deserves all of the Oscars for 2 reasons. First, Idris Elba is voicing fellow anthropomorphic space hedgehog Knuckles, meaning that an entirely new generation of people will have a “sexy furry” awakening, the likes of which have not been since Whazzat Kangaroo in Zoobilee Zoo. Furthermore, Jim Carrey once again injects his 1990s greatness that he honed in timeless films like Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Dumb and Dumber, Doing Time on Maple Drive, etc. into the role of Eggman, rather than his off-the-rails, antivaxx persona of today. What’s more, if you awarded Carrey an Oscar for his role, he would go off on some rant about how the statuette isn’t real and that nothing is, so that means he would have no problem with you taking it back and giving it to someone just as deserving, like Sonic. Or Whazzat Kangaroo. 

BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD DO THE UNIVERSE – Whether you love him or are wrong, it’s no secret that anything Mike Judge touches turns to gold. Office Space. King of the Hill. Silicon Valley. And now, he has brought the characters that helped launch his career, Beavis and Butt-Head, back to the big screen (well, the Paramount+ app, if we are being accurate). This time around, the pair manage to travel through time from their home in the 1990s to today (Monday), where they must adapt to the strange, unfamiliar landscape that 2022 presents: the prevalence of cell phones, the concept of white privilege, making tongue-in-cheek references to source material, etc. Mike Judge deserves some kind of Oscar just for managing to make a movie here in the 2020s where the third point in my preceding sentence did NOT actually happen. There needs to be an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay or something.

VIOLENT NIGHT – Sheriff Hopper from Stranger Things as a drunk, irritable Santa Claus killing and maiming Luigi from the original Super Mario Bros. movie. To anyone who is even the slightest bit of a cinema fan, this concept alone has Best Picture written all over it (likely in blood).